When Trying to 'Fix' Them is Breaking You

February, the month of love. For some, it is all romance, chocolate and roses. But if you’ve heard my story, you know that it hasn’t always been the case for me.
What my experiences have made clear is this: self-love, self-trust, and self-respect are the missing pieces in relationships that leave us feeling depleted. Without them, we find ourselves fighting battles that were never ours to begin with.
I was reminded of this during a recent conversation with someone who had spent years trying to “help” her partner (which really meant trying to control and manage his impulsive behavior). She would pour all her energy into steering him toward the version of himself she thought he wanted to be.
She exhausted herself in the process. I felt her pain.
Because I had lived this cycle with my ex-husband. I truly believed that if I could just manage the situation well enough, I could make things better.
The other day, she looked at me and said, “I just don’t give a sh#@! about what he does anymore.”
And I smiled - she had found her freedom.
What’s Your System?
I talk a lot about systems in my work. We often think of systems in terms of careers and organizations, but we don’t always recognize how they shape our personal lives.
Relationships operate within systems too, the patterns, dynamics, and structures that either support us or keep us stuck.
Many of us get caught in a limiting system, one where we believe that if we just explain better, love harder, or do more, the people around us will change.
But life has made one thing clear:
Other people’s choices are not ours to fix.
When we attach our peace, worth, or happiness to whether or not someone else “gets it together,” we give away our power. We pour our energy into a system that isn’t working, a cycle that drains us, a dynamic that keeps us playing small.
Building a New System: One That Works for You
You can love someone deeply and still choose peace over control. You can care about them while accepting that their choices, habits, or struggles are not yours to fix.
And when you stop trying to manage someone else, you become lighter and freer because you are no longer tied to expectations that leave you drained.
Sometimes, it also means acknowledging that you’ve outgrown the relationship.
This was my process:
- Letting go of expectations that left me resentful. The best advice I ever got was, “He didn’t let you down, your expectations of him let you down.”
- Accepting others for who they are (without losing myself in the process).
- Releasing control and standing in my truth (digging deep into self-worth and trust)
- Investing in me (focusing on my own peace, expansion, and joy).
- Becoming the strongest version of me (no longer operating from depletion, but rather a place of wholeness)
And Here’s Where It All Comes Full Circle
When we truly love ourselves, we stop gripping so tightly to things outside of our control.
We stop trying to fix, manage, or shape someone into who we think they should be.
Instead, we honor who we are and we allow others the space to do the same.
So, if you’ve found yourself saying, “I just don’t give a sh#@! about what he does anymore,” take a deep breath.
That might just mean you’re finally free to love yourself and others in a way that actually feels good.
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